Friday, August 19, 2005

Weblogs: Conversion error

(from I can't believe it's not vodka!:)

So it got me thinking about religion (as almost everything does). I had just seen an episode of South Park where all the kids converted to Catholicism, and I wondered what my first confession would sound like...

Me:  Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it has been 3 weeks since my last haircut...

Father: Go on, my son.

Me:  I took the Lord's name in vain something like 17 times yesterday, but you have to understand I work around computers.  If I knew the guy that invented computers I would blame him, but it is always easier for me in the heat of the moment to trace back faults in creation to the source, you know what I mean?

Father: No I don't... 

Me:  Well, you see... I don't have time when I want to yell to think about who is immediately at fault, I am in such a hurry to vent, so I figure whoever it is that is to blame, God created that mess of a human so I can just, in the name of efficiency, say "f*cking God!" or something like that...

Father:  I see.  Do you have anything else to confess.

Me:  Oh yeah, absolutely.  I had impure thoughts about a few women in the grocery the other day, more than 3 really, and then about the cashier too.

Father: Go on.

Me:  I also broke a commandment, I coveted thy neighbors wife.

Father:  You coveted your neighbor's wife?

Me: No Father, YOUR neighbor's wife, "thy" means your doesn't it?  Sometimes I wonder if you guys really listen.

Father:  I am sorry, you coveted my neighbor's wife..

Me:  Yeah, and on the one hand, if she is not MY neighbor's wife, does it really count? I mean the commandment says "thy" and she is not technically MY neighbor's wife, so I guess she is fair game, but maybe it means YOU can't covet her. I don't see how you couldn't covet her, she is totally covetable.  You know the one I am talking about, that young couple on the corner, what is her name?

Father: (Clearing throat) I believe you are referring to Mrs. Martin...

Me: You know who I am referring to..  I wanted to ask you, if I were her neighbor, like you are, how are you supposed to not covet that?  It seems to come so naturally, you know?  Are you supposed to not even look at her?  What if I was her paperboy and I had to see her everyday, would I go to hell?

I imagine by this time he would do something to get me out of there.  I don't think they can say "Our time is up" like a therapist or anything, maybe he would just throw holy water at me.


Post a Comment

<< Home