Email: Vagaries of dating [SS]

I suppose it's hard to look at any divorced person and wonder "what happened"... and if you're a woman, to wonder if (or assume) it's the man's fault (that sisterly loyalty there). Well, every case has to be considered on its own, but I'm not sure whether it's sagacity or obsessiveness to try to analyze a dating partner's past. I do advocate keeping your eyes wide open and drawing whatever inferences you can from observation, discussion and sound reason, however.

You are absolutely right that looking for a partner using a check list of qualities does not afford growth in the relationship. Indeed, you can't learn how to play chess by playing against yourself (or someone who meets only the criteria you have foreseen and defined). No, we grow (in a relationship, in chess or in anything) by the element of surprise and unpredictability that another human being provides.