Sunday, July 03, 2005

Email: Dating questions [KO]

I suppose men who are seriously or intently looking for a partner ask multiple questions. Certainly not all. I would think the lazy ones would ask one or two questions. The crude ones just ask one rude question, unprefaced by niceties. Of course this is all hearsay from most women I know; I have no direct experience in that area (whew!).

I like it that women often include children in their questions, or mine might not come up when considering a dating relationship. (Since they are not going with me on any dates, they don't pertain; it's women who think beyond dating to the big picture of marriage that introduce the topic, and rightfully so.) For most men, their primary concerns are their work (provision) and their needs (relationship or lack of one).

My children are the most important persons in my life, but men just don't volunteer to start gabbing about their kids. (Even the word: Women gush and gab, men kibitz and hobnob. Women emote, men contain their feelings.) I will bring my children up in the course of conversation (esp. when asked about them) but not write an entire dating profile as a love paean to my children; women who do this may be saying I AM A MOM but little else about themselves either as a potential partner or of interest to same.

So you're saying civility and having a good heart will keep a couple together? Yes I agree. However I am coming to see that this occasionally requires a studied forgetfulness; an intentional amnesia about certain wrongs in favor of maintaining the greater good of the marriage.

I think it is right for you or me to deal our my own issues privately (or in counseling when necessary). Only you can decide if you are ready for dating and marriage. It is not my place to tell you not to date! I suggest reading Pia Mellody's The Intimacy Factor; I think boundaries work can be wonderfully helpful for most divorced people.


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