Email: Practice vs. play [SD]

To heal the negative associations you have accumulated about piano practice, try shifting gears from practice (which others required of you) to playing (which is for your pleasure). Abandon discipline in order to frolic for a season. Rediscover the joy that the gift gives you. Stay in touch with the joys of your youth whenever possible -- and if it seems impossible, try even harder.

Besides the negative associations, I think you fear criticism, judgment or making a mistake that would cause others to think less than well of you. This may be comparable to my tendency not to want to do things unless I have the time and circumstances to do them well (music, languages etc.). Life isn't like that though. (My career and yours are good metaphors for that.) You will do better (when you are ready) when you can just launch into something whenever you have a little time, do a bit of it (piano or whatever) then move on to the next thing. It's about taking initiative and creative control of your life. I pray that you will find a way to express your musical gift in a different or renewed way.

It's the nature of a wound to harden over with scar tissue (spiritually as well as physically). Forgiveness for hurts in your past will be important, but it's natural to need healing and for it to require attention (promptly and often at later stages too).