Monday, July 25, 2005

Internet: 101 Tom Swifties

(via The Volokh Conspiracy and compiled by Mark Wutka, who has also cadged an excerpt of The Pearl as it would have been written if John Steinbeck were from Queens, plus six twisted takes on the Taster's Choice commercials)

1. "I've had my left and right ventricles removed," Tom said half-heartedly.
2. "I think my tires are bald," Tom said warily.
3. "I hate milking cows," Tom uttered.
4. "I put all my money into an IRA," Tom said interestedly.
5. "I don't think that leprechaun is telling the truth," Tom implied.
6. "I think that wasp is in pain," Tom bemoaned.
7. "I took out the trash," Tom said literally.
8. "This dinner is made from young calves," Tom revealed.
9. "I cut my dog's toenails too far," Tom said quickly.
10. "You're burning the candle at both ends," Tom said wickedly.
11. "I hope I can still play the guitar," Tom fretted.
12. "I feel like a big black bird," Tom crowed.
13. "My tongue feels numb," Tom said distastefully.
14. "I want to renew my membership," Tom rejoined.
15. "My grape juice has fermented," Tom whined.
16. "Don't try to pull the wool over my eyes," Tom said sheepishly.
17. "Stop your sniveling," Tom decried.
18. "Someone removed all the twos from this deck," Tom deduced.
19. "I just love power failures," Tom said delightfully.
20. "It's 3 a.m.," Tom said mournfully.
21. "Thanks for shredding the cheese," Tom said gratefully.
22. "I love Velveeta," Tom said craftily.
23. "It's two, two, two mints in one," Tom said certainly.
24. "Who was pope before John Paul I?" Tom asked piously.
25. "The river has gotten rough," Tom said rapidly.
26. "You can't go faster than the speed of sound," Tom said mockingly.
27. "I'm as busy as a bee," Tom droned.
28. "Those ants will never get in here," Tom said defiantly.
29. "Please put some folds in these trousers," Tom pleaded.
30. "Why do you want me to act like Gilda Radner's husband?" Tom asked bewilderingly.
31. "I have plenty of do's but no don'ts," Tom said dauntlessly.
32. "I have forgotten the german word for 'four'" Tom said fearlessly.
33. "Someone stole my wheels," Tom said tirelessly.
34. "Hallelujah," Tom said handily.
35. "I just won 1000 dollars," Tom said grandly.
36. "All that's left are the front and back," Tom said decidedly.
37. "Where can I find a copper figure of Lincoln?" Tom asked innocently.
38. "I only have 8 bits," Tom said bitingly.
39. "My sign is cancer, what's my horoscope?" Tom asked crabbily.
40. "What's in the middle of an egg?" Tom asked eccentrically.
41. "Venus de Milo is a beautiful statue," Tom said disarmingly.
42. "I'm covered in blood," Tom said readily.
43. "I've found the pens used to sign the civil war surrender," Tom said pensively.
44. "I think someone electrified the corridor," Tom said haltingly.
45. "There are tiny bugs in the dust," Tom said mightily.
46. "Hey, Vern! Knowhutimean?" Tom said earnestly.
47. "I unclogged the kitchen sink with a vacuum cleaner," Tom said succintly.
48. "My clothes are pressed," Tom said ironically.
49. "What's that reddish stuff on the cannon?" Tom asked rusticly.
50. "How come my clock only makes 'toc's?" Tom asked mystically.
51. "I hate playing craps," Tom said dicily.
52. "Who is the vice president?" Tom asked allegorically.
53. "I tripped over the lamp plug," Tom said cordially.
54. "Who commanded the confederate army?" Tom asked generally.
55. "Can I go look for the holy grail again?" Tom requested.
56. "There's the dog star," Tom said seriously.
57. "I've discovered the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything!" Tom said fortuitously.
58. "Quick, Della! Phone lieutenant Tragg! Mr. Mason's been kidnapped!" Tom said perilously.
59. "I'm as strong as a sled dog," Tom said huskily.
60. "You look like a goat," Tom kidded.
61. "What comes before cocious?" Tom asked precociously.
62. "I'm building up my muscles," Tom insinuated.
63. "I hate metal on my teeth," Tom said abrasively.
64. "What's the capitol of North Vietnam?" Tom asked annoyingly.
65. "So this is where they make movies," Tom said studiously.
66. "May I introduce the family Stone?" Tom asked slyly.
67. "I'd give that hornet a 10," Tom said beratingly.
68. "I won't be on time," Tom said belatedly.
69. "Hi, Laverne," Tom said surely.
70. "I'd like to teach the world to sing..." Tom said coaxingly.
71. "My voice is deep," Tom said basically.
72. "I don't trust that pickle," Tom said deliriously.
73. "Who is married to the queen?" Tom asked achingly.
74. "I count three horizons," Tom said horizontally.
75. "Who roomed with MaryAnn on Gilligan's Island?" Tom asked gingerly.
76. "That bird is sick," Tom said illegally.
77. "I'm impotent," Tom said softly.
78. "Paint it blue again," Tom said reassuringly.
79. "Wanna buy a halibut?" Tom asked selfishly.
80. "Take sominex," Tom said sleepily.
81. "This is my favorite chinese soup," Tom said wantonly.
82. "I'm going up," Tom said innocently.
83. "Is your name Timothy or Russell?" Tom asked timorously.
84. "How do you like your martini?" Tom asked drily.
85. "I love the dodgers," Oliver said artfully.
86. "That ball was right over the plate," Tom said strikingly.
87. "The PH is too low," Tom said acidly.
88. "Do the japanese vote for politicians?" Tom said erectly.
89. "Let's blow up these paddies," Tom said derisively.
90. "Unto thee," Jesus said verily.
91. "I've locked onto the target," Tom said insightfully.
92. "Nay, nay, and again I say nay," Tom said hoarsely.
93. "All my efforts were for nothing," Tom said naughtily.
94. "What a grand dam," Tom said coolly.
95. "Good afternoon, Ms. Huston," Tom said angelically.
96. "The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria, and the Titanic" Tom said forbodingly.
97. "You must have a lottery in Georgia," Tom said zealously.
98. "It doesn't smell anymore," Tom said distinctly.
99. "Many thanks, Monsier," Tom said mercifully.
100. "I already showed you how to do that," Tom said tautly.
101. "My hair's been cut off," Tom said distressfully.


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