Humor: The Onion | Horoscopes

The Onion | Horoscopes:
"Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You will be honored by the mayor of your city for your continued restraint in not expressing your feelings through poetry, song, interpretive dance, or ultra-large-scale fiber art.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
In this cruel metaphysical polka of life, it sometimes seems like for every step forward, you take one step back, two hops to each side, and do a twirl.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your relations with the natives continue to blossom, largely because your rather clever translator refuses to tell them precisely what it is you're saying."