Email: Searches and questions [VI]

I suppose all searching and questioning in a relationship is just looking for answers, security and (ideally) mutual happiness. When the questioning is going on, though, it's not always pleasant for the questionee (esp. if his or her style is to avoid being under the microscope).

I believe we usually (or fully) discover after the fact when a career or other situation has been eating us alive. Those of us who are in the public eye (you with your radio program, me with my magazine) may be even less aware of this, because of the sacrifices we make for our audience; but everyone in communications needs personal boundaries to keep their fame or importance from going to their heads. I am of two minds about creating an outreach to singles and couples as you have done. You would simply like a relationship since you are helping so many with theirs. Speaking for myself, however, do I want to be in a relationship while I am teaching others about "the right ways to do relationships"? (Will my partner fear being discussed in public, or compare our real relationship with the ideals that I teach?) On the other hand, do I want to be perpetually single? (Who does?) As usual, I believe the same approach can resolve both horns of the dilemma: You know it is right when you find a relationship which fits so compatibly with your life goals that there is no gap between your ideals and your reality -- and your partner trusts you about what you say or don't say about your relationship in the classroom or in the mass media.

I think your presentation about expressing attention without expectation is the right thing to teach. It preserves each partner's freedom and personal boundaries, [while] anything else risks manipulating one or the other into something they crave more than they need or they choose.