Email: Quid pro quo [EH]

In the general work force, you don't show weakness or trepidation in an interview setting. You put your best foot forward. Similarly, I might caution women against showing rampant insecurity and second-guessing in any relationship with a man. (It's a good way to kill the romance, if any, and get a "friend.")

Some women theorize that men retreat to their "caves" for respite from the demands of conversation and emotions in their interactions with women. Actually men just "hunker down" or go what I call "nose down" to focus on the things that men must do -- and we must, because women expect a great deal of us but may forget to allow us time to do it. In other words, men tend to compartmentalize our lives, so when one segment intrudes on another to its detriment, we impose a balance to ensure that we meet our responsibilities (and preserve our peace of mind). Women tend to put their own needs and "the relationship" as their highest priority but men tend to require an equilibrium between their careers (and hence finances) and their personal lives (and hence relationships).

Women may also be more sensitive to triggers in past relationships or disappointments that foment insecurities in their present relationships. (A man is not likely to start sobbing "You didn't call me after our dinner date, so I felt rejected just like last weekend a year ago when I was dating Lou.") On the contrary, a man will not only forget the name of any past relationship a woman might name, but he doesn't want to hear it in the first place.

WHY would you ever have a phone conversation about weight? Do you think a man would EVER discuss or admit to being less than perfect himself? Quid pro quo. You can't play by the rules when the other person refuses to play by the rules (without hurting yourself anyway).

Maybe it's time for action (and to be clear, by this I don't mean going online in search of a date, I mean being good to yourself and making a choice to avoid attitudes and interactions that involve beating up on yourself).